Why we may not Recognize Ourselves in our Behaviors

There are moments when we react in ways that surprise us — or even shame us.

A mother snaps at her child.
A partner speaks harshly to someone they love.
A leader shuts down, dismisses, or lashes out.

Later, the thought often follows: “That’s not who I want to be.”

And usually, it isn’t.

What we don’t always see is that these reactions are often doing a job. Not a helpful one — but a protective one.

In difficult moments, something vulnerable tends to surface first: fear, helplessness, sadness, or a painful thought like “I’m failing,” “I’m not good enough,” or “I should be handling this better.” These experiences strike close to our sense of self. They threaten how we see ourselves.

Anger, irritation, or harshness can step in quickly — not because we are aggressive people, but because anger is easier to feel than shame, fear or helplessness.

In that sense, the reaction is a defense. It creates distance from a feeling that is harder to face.

The problem is that while this strategy may protect us momentarily, it often pulls us away from our values. We act in ways that don’t reflect the kind of parent, partner, or person we want to be — and the cycle deepens. The original feeling doesn’t disappear; it returns, now joined by guilt or self-criticism.

What changes things is not more self-control, but more honesty.

When we can slow down and ask, “What is this situation touching in me?” rather than “How do I stop reacting like this?”, a different response becomes possible. Not immediately — and not perfectly — but more intentionally.

This is where acceptance matters. When we are willing to acknowledge the difficult thought or feeling underneath — “I’m overwhelmed,” “I’m afraid I’m getting this wrong,” “This is hard for me” — the need to defend against it softens.

From there, choice returns.

Not the choice to feel differently — but the choice to act more in line with what matters to us, even while discomfort is present.

Our reactions are not proof that we lack values.
They are often signals that something vulnerable needs our attention.

And when we learn to listen rather than fight, our behavior begins to follow our values again.